What is is…. An emotional day

Sometimes as hard as you try to accept things as they are, you just aren’t ready.  Sometimes as grateful as you are for things, the disappointment that you feel inside is hard to hide from others.  You put a smile on your face, you show grace on the outside but inside the tears are streaming down  your face and you want to run and hide, bury your face in a pillow, a blanket and let it all out.  This is where I am today.

I need to accept where I am now.  I need to accept that my body is the way it is, and this is the size that I am going to be.   The set up, the disappointment, the pain that is coming out of me right now is immense.  And i must admit, this is selfishly after I saw a woman who lost an arm to cancer.  Who am I to complain?  But the truth is, I have lost much too.  I have lost more than my breasts, I have lost my sister, lost friends, lost sexual sensations, lost self image, lost my shape, lost my grandparents, I have lost much to cancer.  Today’s visit just pushes the dagger in a bit deeper ever reminding me of its power… it’s ability to destroy.   Since my own journey started with this last March I have not had too many tear filled days, I have not felt sorry for myself too much, I have forged ahead and did what needed to be done.  Today is a tear filled day.  Today I am feeling sorry for myself.  Today tears are falling consecutively down my cheeks.  Today more than anything I know I need to accept, but I am not yet there so today I will allow myself these tears, I will remind myself that it is okay to feel this way, I do not have to be “up” every day.  Perhaps by giving myself this day of sorrow tomorrow’s dawn will come bearing the gift of acceptance…