July 27th will mark one year since my bilateral mastectomies. I am still going thru reconstruction. I have taken a couple months off all of it to sort of “adjust” and determine how I really feel about the “new me” before continuing onto revisions and nipple reconstruction, and also allow myself emotional healing time. Taking this time was a good choice for me.
I am still not thrilled with the new me.
I have determined that I am an “a” cup. Starting out a C, promised a D, thought to be a B, and now an “A”… Oh well. Worse things in life could happen. I have yet to decide whether I want to do anything about this or not. One day I think I do, then the next I just don’t know nor do I care.
I went swimming over my vacation. This was the second time I wore a bathing suit since my surgeries. I was self conscious, and asked my girlfriend on a couple occasions “Do I look okay?”
She said “Donna, I swear to you, no one would ever know looking at you that you ever had a double mastectomy”. So, take a look at my pic, what do you think? giggling, YAH RIGHT! Though not my desired size, my bathing suit top fits over my foobs (fake boobs) and there is a bit of shape there, the scars are hidden, one would just think I’m not large breasted. So much gratitude for not being disfigured…
Okay, but standing on the dock, everyone was
diving off into the refreshing water to escape the heat and humidity. I was getting ready to do so when fear came over me. I couldn’t do it. Now I have always been a little gun shy of diving if I haven’t in a while, and it has been a long time since I have dived, so I had this going on but alongside of this was this need to protect my chest. Thoughts of post surgery came back where I slept with a folded blanket on my chest. I needed weight, something on it for protection. Trust me when I say that I felt “weight and pressure on it” without the blanket, but there was a genuine need to always have something there when I was sitting of lying down. All these memories and feelings came back, and I felt my hand on the center of my chest. My heart started to pound faster. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t dive. Fear of how it would feel with the implants, and fear of pain returning was too overwhelming. On and on my head went about 100 mph in about 30 seconds or less. Would it hurt? Would they displace? Finally I just walked over to the ladder and climbed down into the water. There would be no diving for me on this trip. And I have a feeling that even if I had discussed these fears with my plastic surgeon and oncologist prior to my vacation, there would still be no diving.
We had several styrofoam “noodles” with us. These are those 3 or 4 foot devices that allow you to float in the water. Well, I enjoyed this very much. At one point I had two, and I placed one under my back/arms, fully expanded my arms to my sides allowing my chest to expand and stretch while the other was under my knees. I floated on my back for several minutes. This felt WONDERFUL! I still experience a lot of tightness in my chest. Proper posture is important now more than ever, but even with that there are times the tightness becomes unbearable. So floating in this manner and allowing my chest muscle to fully expand and relax felt absolutely heavenly.
There was another advantage to swimming that I found too. After emerging from the water my implants maintained the temperature of the water for at least an hour, so they worked like air conditioners! lol. I found that quite comical but equally as comforting!
I am finding that I really LIKE not having as really nice to not have to wear a bra! 
It is so nice not to have that discomfort or sweat from one. That alone has me reconsidering revising my size. But speaking of bras, I have a somewhat funny story for you! My plastic surgeon asked me to buy a bra and bring it with me on my next visit (next week), so I did just that. Well, I ordered a B cup, which as I said earlier, I’ve since learned is too big!).. Anyway, it is padded. As I was walking into the bathroom to look in the mirror it reminded me of my 8th grade graduation. My mother had made me a gunne sack gown and I was fairly flat chested. She brought me to good ole JCPenneys and bought me a padded bra. I hated the thing, I barely liked the soft cupped ones I wore daily. Well she insisted I try it on with my gown. After much coaxing, I did. As I walked out into the kitchen I walked into the door casing (Yes, I am a klutz) and the bra dented in… AND IT STAYED IN! I whipped that bra off, threw it in the corner and refused to wear it! Now I think about it and I laugh. So anytime I see a padded bra, I think of this.
I have volunteered to design and paint a bra to be auctioned off at Heart of Ohio Tole & Decorative Painting, proceeds of which will go to Breast Cancer Research. I can’t tell you what I have designed in my head, but when it is complete I will post a picture…. It’s a 38D, black! lol.
For all of you still forced to wear bras in this horrible heat and humidity…. my sympathy…..
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