I told my mother a couple of nights ago, and against my nature, retorted back at a friend who referred to God “he hates me”.   My mother laughed and said “No, Donna… but I do think the devil really wants you”.    Whatever… pissing and moaning has been the highlight of my day, that and the aftermath of this bug.   I yelled at God on my way home, I swore (Yes, I swore at God), I asked him what I have done to deserve all that has and is happening to me.  I have lived my life being kind and helpful to others, I live an honest life.  What ever did I do to deserve this?  There was no answer, no sign or recognition that he had even heard me,  “just what I thought… you just don’t care”.

Wondering where I could surrender my soul and slip out of my skin on each step of the journey home, I called a friend and asked him if he would please listen to me vent.   “You’re in a bad place Donna, you are unhappy.  You aren’t grateful for anything”.   Of course I retorted with “What good has it done me all these years to reach deep down below the bulls shit to free johnny jump up from it’s weight?”    “I don’t know how you are going to get out of this, but I know you are a strong person, you will”.   There’s that word again “strong”.  I never wanted to be a neanderthal.  I just want to be a woman, doing womanly things….  My mood did not alter, perhaps it just got worse.  Feeling deprived of love, companionship, and good health I settled into my pity pot, this is where I am comfortable, this is where I am going to stay.

A few moments ago I logged onto facebook to read that a woman I knew throughout my entire life, and whom I cared for very much lost her long battle with leukemia, leaving behind a husband, son, daughter and her family, all whom loved her very much.   How brave of she to keep this dreadful disease, her fate from her own mother, protecting her of such sadness before she departed from this world.    How brave of she to fight year after year, and as last ditch efforts, participate in experimental treatment… all to extend her life, all to be with her family for as long as she could.

Don’t I just feel like a selfish, self centered piece of crap right now.  What do I have to complain about?   Misfortunes and disappointments happen, but there is no greater pain than the loss of someone you love.  Reminded of why I like going to the ocean, sitting on the shore looking into an abyss, picking up a small pebble and realizing… this is the size and significance of my problems in relation to the world.   How miniscule.

Thinking back on last Fall when she stopped by my house to drop off some painting supplies she would no longer need, knowing then, her life expectancy was very short.   Thinking about the conversation we had, the honesty, the depth to which some will never dare venture.   I may have taught her how to paint flowers but she was a master gardener, who has left roots and beauty all over the paths she walked, crawled, climbed.

Goodbye my friend, rest in peace.  Thank you for all that you taught me, and the reminder that strength is not a weakness at all.  I will miss you.

I am sorry God, for being disrespectful, I am sorry for not appreciating what is in front of me.  I am a wealthy woman in terms of love, and tonight, as I am surrounded by my furry little animals, and spent a couple hours sitting outside chatting with my mother, and have the fortune of housing my nephew and a couple of his friends on his 21st birthday…  I am flipping the lenses in my glasses over from self pity to gratitude.

xx

Today was a difficult day.   While yesterday I managed to keep myself pretty calm, and would rest whenever I had anxiety, today I cannot say I did so well.   I’ll forego all the crap to just tell you…. I am in Joisey…in a very nice hotel…. snuggled into bed for what will hopefully be a successful, fun class tomorrow.

While driving down I was nervous Nellie.  Frankly, this pisses me off.  It appears that I have lost my self confidence.  I have traveled to Canada alone, to Mexico alone… I have driven to NC, OH and more alone…  I have become a wuss.

Typically when traveling it is quiet time, serene time, time to reflect, give thanks, etc.   Today was far from that, but the good thing is… I made it.  I’m here, and after dinner at Cracker Barrel, I’m off to sleep.

Thank you for your support, for the many prayers and encouraging words I received today.   And special thanks to my mother and my nephew who make these trips possible.

goodnight hugz being sent from joisey

I am and have been so self critical of my own work.  If it isn’t a masterpiece, why paint?  This, of course, doesn’t help the distance that now exists between me and my paint brushes.  I do find talent in a few of my pieces, and a lot of flaws in others.  When I teach painting I tell my students to stop folding their underwear and just paint… have fun.   I should follow my own advice here

I long for the flow that I would get, a channeling of sort through me, out my hand onto canvas, wood or such.  It is very much like some of my writing, as I look back I wonder, who wrote that?

It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced that flow, alliance and alignment with my own abilities and thoughts.  How I miss the late night “details” of a painting, and would wake with excitement to go see what I had done the night before.

Perhaps depression makes me more self critical.  Perhaps I’ve always been.  I dislike, very much, that I feel the need to produce masterpieces, or better said, that I do not appreciate the paintings I do without given thought to its imperfections.

I’m tired, drained today, but fortunately and gratefully I have been able to focus on things that I need to get ready for class.  This is huge improvement.   I said to a friend today, “Getting there, teaching, and teaching well will be a huge accomplishment for me”…….. I hope that is the case.

I missed the friends and fellow patients that I’ve been in group with.   There is something very intimate about what you go through together, so it can be intense temporary friendships, though I have exchanged information with a few people that I really identified with and more importantly, liked.

I focused today on certain tasks, one at a time.   When I started to feel overwhelmed or anxious, I would stop, breathe and utilize the tools and coping techniques that I have been learning.  It really does help!

Today I was thinking about nature, trees in particular.   I study trees, the length and curves of their branches, what makes one tree more stately looking than another.  I wonder, when a tree is cut down, does it feel it?  It is a living, growing thing.  Isn’t it interesting how a tree has roots, just like humans?   I like to paint trees, would like to paint them better.  Perhaps one day.  If you have never looked at the work of Bob Timberlake, you may want to google his work.  It’s beautiful.

My fingernails are so short…down to the quick…  A childhood habit that has grown into adulthood with me.  Anxiety.

Today I am really aware of how I fixate my thoughts on one thing and somewhat obsess about it.   It can be a distraction from thoughts, feelings, realities.   It can also be a way to not deal with what is in front of me.   I have learned about myself that I disassociate at times.  All this to fill the “hole in the donut”.  What do I mean by that?  That emptiness that I have tried to fill with food, and many other things.

All in all I would say today was a good day.   I kept my anxiety to a minimum, accomplished a few things (though small) and did not retreat to my bedroom, well until now.  I needed to lie down…pain control.

I’ll leave you with something I shared with my therapist… “I have things to work through, as I am not where I want to be, and yet, I am farther down the road to mental health than I’ve ever been.  Isn’t that the paradox?

Hope you have a nice weekend…. xx

Tomorrow I begin outpatient therapy.   Am I looking forward to it???? I dont know, but I am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow!

I am heading down for a nap, a little late, but I’m busted tired.  Emotional exhaustion is debilitating.  I’ll feel better when I’ve rested a couple of years…. freudian…. I mean hours!

Thank you all for your patience, concerns, prayers and good thoughts.  I so appreciate all.

Until I have energy to share again,,,,, xxxxxxx hugz

Anyway, went and made earrings and beaded bookmarks with the girls and had a delicious steak dinner, time with my girlfriend.    It was nice, and reminded me of how wonderful it is to watch and listen to children.  “Out of the mouths of babes”.

Upon returning home I once again walked the dogs, this time it wasn’t pouring rain.  When we came in I was walking to the refrigerator, Brody was on the floor in front of me.  Usually he moves, well he’s getting older, senile, kinda cranky so I call “Old Duke”.    Well, he didn’t move, and as I stepped over him, I stepped on his fur.  While trying to save both of us from being hurt I somehow twisted and fell,  head first into the front of my oven.  OUCH…. I layed there for a few minutes waiting for the stars to go away, and afraid to put my hands on my head for fear there would be blood, but nope there wasn’t.   Eventually I got up, like Old Dukette feeling woozy.   I wanted to go up to bed and lay down, go to sleep, but instead I called my mother to explain to her what had happened.  What do I do?  Should I take migraine meds because surely I’ll be getting a doozer.  She suggested STRONGLY I not to go to sleep for a few hours, and see how my head feels.   Well, its 5 hours later, my head is pounding in center top above forehead.  I’m hoping this jolt will somehow readjust “things” and return my brain back to clearer, smarter days of my life… you know, like remembering my own name?  Oy.

All in all it was a good day.  Tomorrow I will be discharged from partial hospitalization and will be turned over to out patient care.   It has been a long exhausting journey starting March 15th, the day I admitted myself for severe depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations.   I can say today that I am doing much better.  I believe the new medications have kicked in, all the group therapy, talking has helped, and cutting sugar out of my life again, as well as exercising and getting sleep now…. I think I’m going to be okay.   Last Friday was the first day in many months that I have felt like myself….

So, if I don’t wake up tomorrow morning because of injury to my brain (yes, meant to sound dramatic)…. please make sure my furries get fed!  And email my mom for first dibs on my painting and beading supplies!

Hugz….

After missing another 3 appointments, and not remembering where I was or where I was going, it came as a big relief to me that my brain scan showed no metastacis.  They did find a cyst in my brain that they are not concerned with, this mri will be used as a baseline for future tests.  The bone scan revealed an abnormality in my spine, requiring more testing (ct scan).

This will probably sound ridiculous but, while I am THRILLED there was no evidence of cancer in my brain, I had also hoped they would find something “wrong” with me, to put a name to the cognitive problems I’ve been having.  My doctors feel it is indicative of a very deep serious depression…  I feel like I’m losing my sanity, so I’ll take their synopsis before mine.

I have been working through some grieving, losses of all sorts.   I feel like I am making progress here.

Tomorrow I meet with my new out-patient psychiatrist, and next Friday I start with my new out-patient therapist.  I am starting the transition of moving from partial hospitalization into out patient… This is progress.

Have I told you about art therapy?  Ugh…. I have really disliked it up until yesterday when we were to draw “A Life worth Living”, how we wanted our life to look like.  I did flash cards… first was a peace sign, second was mountains in the background, flowers in the forefront with the word SERENITY through the middle.   I then drew my house with a garage and a really nice studio in it, including new windows for my old home.  And lastly I drew a heart, a ring, and a family tree that included step children and grandchildren,,,,,,, and of course…. a handsome loving man in the middle with me.  It was actually a fun class, and it made me happy to look at the positives and to dare to dream again.  I’m not doing all of this hard work for nothing!

That’s all for now, I’m too tired to go on.  I do want to thank everyone for their well wishes, prayers and thoughts.  Thank you thank you thank you!

Much love, Donna

Have you ever stood outside and forgotten which season has just passed and which is coming?  I stood outside the other day and believed that snow would be coming soon.    Then a few minutes later when I “get it together” I become fear filled that I’m losing my mind.  Spring and summer are coming, not winter.

Family shit isn’t helping.   I have constant thoughts of Jim, dreams of him.    My gawd, we haven’t been together in 7 years…why is this happening?  Am I just missing him?  Or missing having someone in my life that is strong and that I could lean on?  Someone who would “protect” me from the coldness and actions of others, someone who would “protect” me from myself.   This is not to suggest I didn’t offer love and support back to him, as I did, very much so.     As I stood outside thinking about the seasons, I was so confused.  I’ve always considered myself a reasonably intelligent person, very strong.  I am not feeling very strong right now, in fact, I am feeling vulnerable.

Have not heard anything on the results of my scans, I’m going to assume that is good news.  Though I have been remiss in sharing what is going on with my oncologist.   I am easily overwhelmed.  I did, however, get a magazine article proofed and back to the editor.  It took me 3 days, but I did it.

I want a family of my own.  I want the consistency and love, to both give and also be part of, in my everyday life.  I feel like I am missing out on an important part of life.  My family of origin is too inconsistent and sometimes very unsafe for me.    This is sad, but true.

This is a really hard time for me, if this is depression talking (in memory loss), it is the deepest depression I have ever had, and what I don’t need is people saying they are going to do something and not doing it.   I need follow through, I need consistency, I need to know I matter.  The relationships where I feel I need to “prove myself, or stand up for myself with” are going by the wayside.  I don’t have the energy for it.  I don’t want it.

Today I closed the door to my bedroom, something I rarely if ever have done, and that is where I felt the safest.  Sometimes I honestly believe that moving to the other side of the country and starting over would be advantageous for me.

I hope tomorrow is better, and I hope I am able to sleep tonight without the haunting.    Is this unresolved grief?  Message from the other side?  Or am I so lonely that this is why I’m dreaming this shit?  I am lonely.  I am very lonely.  With that said I want to clarify that I am not desperate.  There is a huge difference.

To post or not to post?  “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing” pops into my mind…

This is a really hard time for me.   I keep telling myself “this too shall pass”…only today and tonight it doesn’t feel that way, it doesn’t feel like it will or is.

xx

afterthoughts:  It’s 5am.  The quiet soothes me as I lay here in the dark.  I would love to get on the treadmill right now but the only music I have is on my computer, I blast it in the background when I work out. Music is an important part of my life right now, and my workout.  I lose myself in it.  It inspires and motivates me.  I will instead lay here and listen to the birds outside, try to focus on them, be mindful only of them.

I am also getting sick, I feel a cold or virus coming on.   To this I am not happy.   Today I have group and also meet with intake person again.  I panic when I think about what she looks like as I can’t remember.  I can’t remember the names of people I’ve had lunch with for the past few weeks.  I panic as I try to recall their names…  I am there for depression, I should just say “I’m sorry, I forgot your name”…but I am embarassed and also I don’t want them to feel like I haven’t been present during our intimate conversations about our challenges and struggles.

Anything right now to quiet the dreams, to calm myself.    Dear God. please hear me, please help me.  I pray not for specifics, but for knowledge of your will for me and the courage and strength to carry that out.   Thank you for being present in my life, for the flowers blossoming, the promise of bright green grass to walk barefoot in.

Today the weather is very cold, damp and dismal.   It was a perfect morning to go get a couple of injections, a brain scan and a body scan.   I was thinking before I went… I bet my brain scan will take longer cuz I’m so smart!  (rolling my eyes at that one).   It really wasn’t bad at all.  Injection, then I went to have the MRI of my brain (another injection)….  As they start the machine I remembered an episode from House where a head exploded or imploded… mine didn’t.  Then wait for 2 hours so I could go back and get the bone scans.  That was really cool, the tech showed me my images (I asked… I’ve learned to be assertive with my health but also my inquisitiveness).  It was really cool seeing my “skeleton”.  My legs weren’t flat, they were relaxed out a bit, so that looked a little funny.   And then it was over!      Out to my car, drive up to the grocery store, I’m slowing down looking for good parking lots as it was raining and I didn’t want to melt (more rolling of the eyes)…. when some guy walked in front of me and waved, thanking me for letting him go….  Hey… now that’s some good karma, that guy thinking I was being kind to him when I was really wimping out trying to stay dry.

Should have the results by the end of the week.  I’m not going to focus or obsess, I’m sure everything is fine.  I’m glad the tests are behind me.

I am about to crawl into bed for a nap.  It’s a perfect day for a nap!

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and well wishing……  It means much to me.

A side note.   I was sharing with the technician how I talk about my breast cancer openly, have huddled into bathrooms with women to lift my shirt so they could see my new “girls”.    More women have seen my breasts in the past year than men will ever see in my lifetime!  I think of it as education.    When they see the end results it isn’t so scary to them.  In fact, women are usually jealous of how perky my busoms are! lololol  Okay, so the rest of me sags…. hey, we can’t have it all.

I’m in a very strange mood, as I’m sure you can tell… I think its from all that nuclear medicine this morning…. or could it be (insert Alfred Hitchcock music) that I live next to a nuclear power plant????

My partial hospitalization has been extended, not sure for how long, at least through until Friday.   Safety purposes and also considering the medical tests I’m having tomorrow, they feel its best to keep me there.  No argument here.   The words of a Harry Chapin song echo in my mind “Cuz any place is a better place to be”…. than on this hampsters wheel in my head listening to the itty bitty shitty committee tell me… I can’t do this.

The weekend was rough emotionally, I reached out to my friend Harry, who always listens to me and offers me unconditional love no matter what I say and how I say it.    Yesterday I knew there was nothing that was going to make me feel better, but I still pampered myself with a long bath, giving myself a pedicure, watching movies, resting and reading.     It’s kinda comical yet kinda sad, that until a year ago, I thought womens feet were supposed to be calloused… or rather, I thought every woman had feet like mine…it was proof of hard work!   I’ve been really paying closer attention to my body, particularly my feet.   Friend’s have offered good suggestions on how to rid myself of the callouses and get my feet into better shape, and its working.  Yesterday I painted my toe nails red, and this morning when I crawled out of bed and saw them, it made me smile.

Today at lunch time (It’s only $3.00 or so for a healthy fresh salad), I pulled out a $5 bill.  I thought about, where did this $5 come from?  And as I looked down at it I saw “I Love you Donna” on it, written in pen.  I didn’t want to let go of it and the cashier had ahold of one side, I had a hold of the other.   I tried to explain, and instead, smiled and went to the table with “my peeps”, sitting there, reflecting on that special little message that helped me today.

To all of you who are sending cards, gifts, it means more to me than words could ever convey.  Thank you, thank you for caring, thank you for showing me I am not alone, thank you for helping me through this difficult “chapter” of my life.

I went out for tea after groups today with a male friend whom I was inpatient with.   We went to this bagel shop that had a local artists work up on the wall.   I sat there staring at it.   It was very similar to my style of design and painting.   I explained to Clayton that I painted like that.   I wanted to get a closer look of the detail on the eye of a cow (Yes Cow… I live in frigan Vermont remember?) and forgot all about that when I saw the price tag of $800.  I DO underprice my things, but has she sold any?

Anxiety is running high and steady today with tomorrow’s brain and bone scan.   I have been optimistic and positive about it until a moment walking to my car today after group when I had a flashback of some bad news my sister had received, when we had hoped and thought for the best.   For a split second I thought I was going to vomit, but I pulled my act enough together to walk up to my friend and ask him to go for coffee.  I didn’t want to be alone at that moment.    He understands all too well the scares behind medical testing, as they think he may have ALS (Lou Gerrig’s disease).   We talked serious but we did manage to get a few “mental hospital” jokes in.

I am working hard to try to get this extra weight off.   I need to lose 15 to get back to goal and its coming slowly and stubbornly.  I feel like crap about it, not to mention I have the old rolling of the underwear down my belly that makes me you want to belt out Helen Reddy’s “I am woman hear me roar”….. serious sarcasm there in case you didn’t pick up on it.

My quince bush is in full bloom, and I enjoy watching the birds that frolic in it.  The blue birds look especially beautiful in it.  It also draws hummingbirds.

I wanted to share a sweet sight I saw yesterday that made me smile.  The neighbors son (my friends grandson) has one of those battery powered John Deere tractors with attached cart.  That kid will go round and round and round, and on occasion he comes down to visit me or my mom.  Well yesterday I looked out in the pouring rain and there he was, with his little yellow rain coat on and a bright yellow umbrella as well, going around and around the house.  I thought it was too sweet not to mention.

As I read back what I’ve written today, and the ease to which I wrote it, I feel like I am getting better.  I just have to keep doing what I’m doing and have patience, and you can bet your butt I’ll NEVER pray for patience again!