Crashed

I’ve reached a point in my life where exhaustion has exceeded desire.   My body hurts, more so than that, I am in pain, intense physical pain.  I feel like my mind is slipping, I am having cognitive issues that are a bit scary to me.  I am fighting the “why bother?” mode with everything I’ve got, trying to push it into the arena of gratitude or thankfulness , an approach that has been successful through the many difficulties I’ve endured.  I often wonder, how do others get through what they do?  What carries them when they, too, come to a point of kaplunk?

Invisible illnesses suck.  It probably doesn’t help that I “put on a happy, put on a happy, put on a happy face!” when inside I want to run to my bed, hide, and never see sunlight again.

I remember watching an interview with a survivor of the Holocaust, and another having been a prisoner of war for 3 or more years.   I was enthralled with their words, their ability to smile, to fully grasp the beauty of the moment and with a gracefulness that I perhaps will never exhibit.  Maybe I’m just being hard on myself, not giving myself enough credit… but then again, I’ve never survived the horrifying experiences that they have.  To live entrapped in the palm of evil, then able to release it all, forgive and accept the things most of us cannot even fathom, and to go on to live happy, successful lives.  WOW!

I forgive others for me.  It sets me free from all the crap that begrudgment carries with it.    I try to live life one day at a time and walk through it with a sense of pride, dignity and gratitude.   Today I feel very little of all.  Today I am too tired and drained to even think about the trek to the cottage of contentment, or the castle of gratitude.    The destination there seems impossible,  seems too far away.   It’s a choice, an attitude, an option.   It’s a ticket to peace, serenity, to rest…  If you are there, would you mind throwing me down a lift? a tow?   Remind me how our situations may not change, but when our attitudes do, everything else changes, and usually for the best?   Remind me that even flowers and plants lie dormant under mounds of heavy snow, and yet come spring, the majority of them do reappear, and I enjoy watching them find their way through the dirt to sunlight.  I enjoy looking at how bright and refreshing they look, and I bask in the pleasure of watching them grow daily, am mesmerized with how they can change and progress so quickly following rain.  When their buds start to develop and you know blooming is just around the corner, it is a joy to watch them blossom.

Now I’m thinking about how short of blossom time some of them have.  Within days you will find their petals on the ground, all that remains is their stem.  Rain now beats hard on its stature, puddles around and floods their roots.    In the blink of an eye, really, they are gone for another year.  How quickly winter blankets the ground and brings with it the most beautiful display of earth tones, or, depending on your emotional or physical perspective, drab, sad and cold.

I rarely share on this topic, I am going to today.   In 1995 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and myofacial pain syndrome.   I went to counseling to learn how to “adjust” to this new way of life..combatting daily pain, working around the many problems that come wrapped within this diagnosis.   The first thing I decided was that I didn’t want to become “Donna Fibromyalgia Scully”… so I shared with close family and friends, at the time employment, which I later left because I couldn’t do the hours or work on a consistent basis, and I went on about my life.

Also in my lifes time I have battled three clinical depressions, three hospitalizations for such.  Ever vigilant of the necessity of keeping busy, active, not to isolate, I found that self employment  allowed me the flexibility of resting and working around my best days.   This was fine when I had a partner, a second income, since I’ve been single (7 years) I have been unable to meet my monthly bills, and since breast cancer I have lost more time (thus no pay) than I care to remember putting me further in the hole.   I owe family and friends because I was too stubborn, or too proud, or too dumb to say “I surrender”.

The recent surgery to my hand, a simple surgery compared to many I have had, but it has triggered in me a fibromyalgia flareup that isn’t going away.  I have been miserable.   I am miserable.   This is worsening my situational depression to what I fear is clinical.  In short, I made it through all the surgeries and daunting experience of breast reconstructions, through grieving my own BRCA2+ status, cancer diagnosis, and many other difficult draining things but I crashed into a wall, and I’m laying in a corner in a heap wondering, what the hell do I do now?

I feel like shit.  I have no fight left in me.  I just want to cover myself up and die.  Yes, that is how I feel.   As dramatic as that sounds, this is where I am at and have been for a couple of weeks.   The one who chose naps over pain meds, the one who withheld information, or only wrote when I felt like I had something good to say, is talking… and it isn’t pretty.

Yes, I am seeing a Dr for this.   Yes I know if I can hold out til dawn, yada yada yada.  I’m just so exhausted and drained that I don’t care anymore.

If you pray and you would be so kind as to drop a prayer in for me, I would appreciate it.   I seek not pity, but a passing of this difficult time.   In the past 2 months I’ve had the hives three times, I’ve had colds, flus, just recently ear infection and when I had my stitches out Friday, an infection in my hand.  My body is saying enough, my mind follows behind.

I surely hope this too shall pass and soon.  Feeling like this is a dramatic post, and I despise drama… but this is where I am today……            signed by the dramatic and doomed donna

 

Houston, do I have a problem?

My head has been flying around the airport, round and round it goes with only temporary (and very speedy at that) visions of the landing strip or tower.   I am dodging flies, clouds, ladybugs, witches on brooms, pic-a-nic-a baskets which require my full attention.  Focusing on the tasks at hand I keep my compass set on the runway as surely at this speed and momentum I will run out of gas.  Speaking of gas, one of my dogs just let one out that is pealing the paint off my freshly painted walls.

The problem isn’t keeping my eyes on the finish line, it is the identified and unidentifed flying objects that at minimum, throw me off balance and at maximum, feel like a bird just flew into one of my engines.  Did I say engines?  I have more than one?    I didn’t know I was so boastful!

Insanity encircles my thoughts as the wind brushes across the hair on my poor neglected legs… but have no fear “Fake Boobs are here” to serve as anchor to my newly slender body.

If only I could hear the air traffic controller, where is the volume button?   Crap, where did I put my headset?  Where did I put my head?….    The crackling background of his cocky voice can be heard sporadically through the lost headset…Wait… I remember it fell off my head in between my legs as I accidentally veered hard right.  I reach down feeling around, where did it go?  Finally my middle fingertip feels the edge of its band but I cccccan’t quite reach it.  I look down and jut forward and grab it.  Now full of ego, self confidence and self I reposition mine eyes to the front of the plane…….Oh No!   A Little Ceasars delivery plane is headed straight towards me… WITH anchovies….No Anchovies Please!   With skill and luck I veer far left, soaring strictly on adrenaline.   I can do this, I can do this, I can do this… Air, air, I need air I’m thinking… the oxygen mask pops down in front of me from its secure location.   “If you are traveling with someone who needs assistance, put your own oxygen mask on first”… I look around, were they talking about my alter ego “Victoria Barkley”… or is that “Barbara Stanwyck?”  As I spend what appears to be minutes debating this, the dashboard is flashing “EJECT, EJECT, EJECT” in what I swear was Tom Cruise’s voice.    But my arms are so tired, achey, the parachute is a good 12″ or more above my head… No, I can’t, I don’t have it in me…. “Yes, yes you CAN do it, you WILL do it”  says Victoria.  “You are not alone, you are never alone, you are always given what you need” (hence the O2 mask when I needed air).

Depleting all my strength but successfully grabbing hold of the parachute I accidentally hit the dial to the Satellite Radio Station….which is now blaring a VIDEO of (who the hell turned up the volume?  Oh yeah, it was me, I couldn’t hear the cocky air traffic controller) “Black Sabbath” lipsynching Lawrence Welk.  Hmmm, maybe I do like acid rock?   Finally, with success, I find the EJECT button, striking it hard with determination and seeking relief from peril my hand jams into the control panel, three nails fly off… but have no fear… They are press on’s!

Without any drama, comical error or accident I pull the shute…. aww relief, relax, air… I feel nothing but air everywhere…. I am safe, I am in the palm of faith….  I look down to the ground and THERE is the married man with “good morals” who messaged me from OKCupid….  Oh, I take a big sigh of relief… thank GOD it’s a man with morals… as I’m wearing a skirt!!!!!!!  Surely he is looking at the free silpada jewelry I got from having a party!

 

 

 

Unexpected delights

I need to shut the computer off, the television and try to sleep.  Too many sleepless nights lately even WITH meds.  My body hurts and is exhausted.   Anethesia, surgery (trauma to my body) continues to affect me negatively.  I’ve reached a point where I need to make some difficult decisions and look seriously at options.  Living with chronic pain gets old, and very quickly.  My latest surgery was Friday on my right hand.  It is getting better, but never as quickly as I’d like it too!

Today I had a nice day in spite of it all.  When I finally gave in to pain meds, I started to move and feel better mentally.   Having eaten more than my share of sugar and ice cream lately, I put myself back on Phase I of the diet I did.  I’m NOT going backwards!  Failure is not enjoying good and sweet foods, it is in not pulling back the reins and getting control again….

I also got to see (unexpectedly) my niece who I haven’t seen in almost a year.  It was the highlight of my day!  She has grown so tall, pretty girl and loves humor.  What a treat.  She is going to come over Saturday to spend the day (and the night) if she is feeling up to it.  She’s been very sick for several weeks now, poor princess.  But her personality is one that she won’t give in, she keeps going and going and going without complaining…until she can’t go on any longer.

I also received a message today from someone I think will be a new friend.   It is obvious that she loves and has my friends best interest at heart and that makes me very happy…

All in all, a good day.  Ending with my third case of the Hives in a couple months…  I took a bath this morning, maybe I’m allergic to that! lol.  Echoing what I said when I was kissed by Harry Chapin at the age of 16 “I shall never wash my face again!”….   Okay, kidding.  I don’t like being stinky!

Hope your day was good and you were blessed with some unexpected surprises that made you smile wide!

 

 

Unveiling of the compass

I just read a friends facebook posting “It’s a beautiful thing when you know, precisely, exactly, succinctly, profoundly, and unequivacobly that God has put someone in your life for a reason”…-Jim Engelhorn

I love it when I feel guided.  I have had several, but two monstrocities of examples of this in my own life.  I knew why everything had happened in my life,the good, the bad, the ugly.   Everything came together so perfectly, and if I never saw that person again, it wouldn’t have changed that.   How powerful.

I feel God’s guidance more times than not.  For me it comes through people, places, things, events that are placed in front of me.  I will pray for guidance and either something will be placed in front of me which clearly mark the direction in which I should head, or I learn patience until that happens.  I have learned that if I am open minded and willing, and I am praying for guidance and nothing happens, that is clearly “patience…timing isn;t right yet”.  There is still something I need to accomplish, learn, or do before the unveiling of the compass.

Answers have come to me after months of asking for guidance.  It all falls together and is packaged perfectly for me to understand.  When this happens those close to me are shocked at how things unfold, or are dropped in front of me.  I just laugh and say “This is the way it has always been in my life”…

Faith is a beautiful thing.  Answered prayers as well.   Trust that regardless of the situation, the challenges, or even the most subtle and simple gestures, there is rhyme and reason, there is purpose, there is a plan for me.

The most challenging times are those when my prayers seem to go unanswered.  It is simply not happening on my time, but on his.  Eventually when the time comes and the paths I’m to take open up, I can look back and find something to be grateful for, as to why I had to wait, or why my prayers were not answered.  Is this optimism or faith?    Does it really matter?   It’s a beautiful thing, and one I have come to rely on.

Praising god today for the people, places, things, events he puts in front of me as stepping stones to a new garden of adventure, new chapters of my life…

May your eyes and heart be open to such, and may you feel his presence and know “unequivically” that he is working out his plan for you, for your life…

 

Animal House

Unfortunately I awoke early this morning to a furocious migraine.   After I take the necessary scripts to rid myself of this I am in for a few hours sleep.  I found it funny when I climbed out of bed that one cat in particular (Zoe) just layed there.  Typically she is the first up, ever so loudly letting me know she’s ready to eat.  Perhaps my nephew had fed her?  I let the dogs out, as I came back in I noticed a brand new (just opened yesterday) bag of Temptations treats on the floor….empty!    I knew I should have zipped it shut when I went to bed.  Now I know why Zoe wasn’t moving, she had the best spot on the bed and had a full tummy!

Still feeling ill I needed to get some groceries.  We decided to use one of the gift cards I got for Christmas and had a bunch of appetizers for lunch/dinner.  A childhood friend has managed the restaurant for over 20 years, I hadn’t seem him in 15 years.  He sat down, we chatted for a half an hour.  It was nice catching up.  He is currently having chemotherapy for colon/rectal cancer.  We sat comiserating, sharing stories, but truly it wasn’t a whining session.   We have both always had a sense of humor, he hasn’t lost his through his battle with cancer, so as we were “sharing” we were also laughing.   He treated Ajay and I to lunch!  An unexpected and generous gesture!  As we were driving to get some Frear shakes ($2 at Cumberland Farms… yum)…. Ajay said “It’s kinda funny that you said it was good to see each other when you had shared such unhappy things”.  I smiled, grateful that this 20 year old kid is healthy and as innocent as he is.  “Well you know Ajay, life can be very hard.  I tend to like people who are very honest about what is going on with their life, I’m glad he shared that with me”.   Recalling so many “Oh things are “great, awesome, perfect!”  from others.  I mean, I hope their life is, but for some of us, it just ain’t.

We left Cumbie’s with a few shakes, and an intention of dropping off one to a girlfriend who just had rotator cuff surgery.  Before we did that, however, we ran into the grocery store to get a few necessities.   3 bags and $50 later we return to the car and one empty shake container.  Not one drop had spilled to the floor, it was as clean as a whistle (well as clean as you’ll see in my car, anyway!).   I picked up the cup, Ajay was laughing.  Brody rushed over and stuck his nose in it, thankful that I held the cup up so he could get the last couple mouthfuls.    I pulled the cup away and let little Lilly stick her nose in, which she delighted in.  As she pulled her long thin nose out of the cup her face was covered with vanilla shake.  Big brother Brody very willingly and quickly I might add, cleaned up her face.    As we were pulling out of the parking lot Brody was rubbing his head/face against the back of the front seats.   This is his signature closure when he has eaten something he enjoyed immensely.   The little stinker.  This was after we had given him a chicken tender from the restaurant!

I left items on the table for Ajay to put away, setting my sites on bed.   As I crawl into bed I notice Zoe, still laying in the same position, snug as a bug in a rug with a full tummy…      Animal house!  That is what this place is!  Animal house!

 

The first step is the heaviest

Some days the voices in my head run so rampant that I have all I can do to get out of bed.    I was up until 4am this morning working on a plan to get myself out of the mess I’m in financially.   I have learned a very powerful self destructive pattern today.  One drawback to being single and living alone is…those voices in your head can become a committee…sometimes an itty bitty shitty committee!     When I talk things over with a family member or friend, and they actively make viable suggestions and are working to help to help me make the difficult decisions that will help make my life easier, more peaceful.    Thoughts come from all directions at speeds that I cannot keep up with, I become excited at the possibilities, overwhelmed.    This stimulates my creativity and also brings back to front focus the very hope that the itty bitty shitty committee clouded.    When left alone again, one with my thoughts, the volume of the voices in my head can only be quieted by doing mundane or repetitive things.   For example, I have been watching, rather listening, to the same movie every night now for a week.  It strangely stabilizes me, keeps me from jumping full speed into the fight/flight mode.  It is familiar, a commonality, respite from all the things that are changing and those that I am contemplating.   While at this point I am out of the committees range and possibilities, ideas, creativity flows.  The problem is, it comes at such a pace that I cannot keep up, I become flustered, frustrated, unable to follow a thought through from start to finish, thus I start walking closer and in the direction of the very committee that debilitates me!    I will sit and spin, literally that hampsters wheel in my head is just a trucking along but I can’t slow them down enough by myself, without someone to help me through this critical stage.  I retort back to confusion, thus darkness.

I am contemplating selling my home and moving South.  I am contemplating dissing the career I have worked so very hard at for the past 16 years and starting over, seeking outside employment.   I am contemplating leaving my father, my Ajay & Alex, my friends behind and starting a new in an area where there are more jobs posted each week than I would ever find in a months time in Vermont.    I am talking about moving from the area in which I have lived for 50 years, the modest little home in much need of windows that I peck away at maintenance and upgrades as I can, the little home that feels as safe as an embryo in its mothers womb.    I am contemplating how to still stay in Vermont and be able to afford to live.  I am contemplating the difficulties of new health insurance as a cancer survivor and one that takes four medications daily, two of which are ridiculously expensive.  I am contemplating staying in my bed with blankets covering everything including my head… a turtle in its shell never to poke its head out to sunlight again.  I mean, we’re looking at the distinct possibility that I will be watching this same nightly movie for the REST OF MY LIFE!

Then of course, all of these contemplations bring with them varying degrees of challenges, unknowns.  This is not a seller’s market, homes are not selling yet if Vermont Yankee gets shut down the value of my home will decrease… we are all going to face decreased value in our properties before this economies pendulum swings back to good.    The equity in my little abode is all I have monetary wise.  There is no savings account to fall back on, no stocks, bonds investments only bills, and more bills.   Know that when I am talking of this, I am not in a pitypot mode, I am sharing my thoughts, putting it out on paper to try to downsize the head!   I am so not alone in this predicament.   I know many who live week to week, and weakly.   I am a proud person, I take pride in my work, taking care of myself, providing a good warm home for my furries.   I do not want to depend on others, and while I appreciate the help I have received from family and friends… I need to be able to do this alone and quite honestly, I’m scared shitless.

The mix of fear from what is and what could be combined with the excitement of starting a new adventure has me spinning at such a speed that I cannot sit still.   So… I am working on a couple pieces of furniture which keeps at least my hands busy and sometimes my mind.   Music is my muse, so while I am painting, creating, designing, it is decibles above the community chorus!!! This is a good thing!

As hard as this is for me, I am very well aware that I am living a priviledged life right now.  I am in good health.  The old adage “When you have your health you have it all” is probably the truest statement I have ever heard.   I am going to be okay.  I just have to keep walking, keep moving in the direction I believe I am supposed to go in, always praying and looking to God for guidance.  This is big stuff to me, but it is small potatoes in an ever changing world and to someone who has been sentenced ill.  This too, in the big picture, is small stuff. 

As always true in my life, the answers will come by way of people, places, things.   Windows will be cracked, doors will be opened, I will be provided with what I need to make the right decisions for me.  I will be okay.

As I work on this piece of furniture using bare bones supplies, tools and brushes (and yucky ones at that)… I am so very grateful for my god given talents and life.    I am an artist, I am a writer, I am a woman who has survived serious illness, has lost significant people in my life, and more.   I will be okay.  As I took that first step this morning I had to beef up and saddle up.   The first step is always the heaviest!

Thanks for listening!  Have a great day!

Twenty Twelve……..

My goodness, it is 2012!   Today is the first day of Twenty Twelve!  It sometimes seems like just yesterday we were worried about the 2K Bug.. remember that?  Now here we are 12 years later… sighs.  How could that be?  I don’t look any older!  HA

Every year is a chance to start anew, to clean the slate and start over.  As we flip our calendars and realize, it’s time to buy a new daytimer, it is unknown what lies ahead of us for Twenty Twelve.    Will we combat fear by saddling up?  Or will we chill and not take things so seriously?   Whatever comes our way, it is up to use to decide how we are going to handle it.   It’s not a matter of “if”, it’s a matter of “when” something challenging, heartbreaking or overwhelming happens…  Have we celebrated enough New Years Eve’s so that we know not to take life so seriously?  Or are we amongst the many who feel the need to control outcomes (sometimes giving ourselves the “illusion” of control.  Granted there is much we do have control of, but are we capable and willing to free fall?   It can be very empowering, it can and may also be something we fear.   So many many changes …

Today is the first day of Twenty Twelve.  How did you spend it?  It has been said that to get an idea of how the new year will start, study how it begins!  My brother in law came home from the bank this morning chuckling.  A car pulled over, a woman jumped out, dropped to her knees dry heaving and vomiting.  As he was telling this with tortly laughter, I must admit, I found it quite comical too.  Long gone are the days when I would party until I dropped and wake up still hammered or worse, hung over.  I like to spend my day feeling good, enjoying the simple things that I love.  Okay, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt….  In the early morning after what is probably the most celebrated and partied event of the entire year a woman gets out of her car and is very ill….  flu???  It could very well be.

Whatever will unveil itself in this new chapter of your life remember… the choices are ours.   Sometimes that is the only thing we have control over.  It isn’t about what happens to us, it is about how good (or bad) we handle it!

Today is the first day of 2012… it sometimes seems like just yesterday I was back in school, growing up a country girl and this year too, starting this year a country girl….  Will it end as a city slicker?  This year I celebrated the new year with A cups, I ended the year with D cups… There is good in anything, if only we keep an open mind and are willing to show up!

Today was a holiday.. so do not set yourself up by thinking or feeling like you failed if you didn’t start the new year playing out your goals… Life is not a race, though we sometimes make it seem like it is.   How will you spend this year?  What will you do?  What are your challenges and what are your desires?  And if by chance you fall into a gold mine this year, your pants were ripped in the fall, thus the missing fabric served as a flag of ownership… remember your artist facebook friend who delights you with silly blogs!  (Just saying…)  And if by chance you fall into hard times, reach out your hand, I’ll be there!

Off to chase a dream…. it’s a very pleasant one…  Happy New Year all!

Reviewing Twenty 11

As I sit here reflecting on the past year (which always starts for me at the beginning of the month on my birthday), I am cozied up on a leather couch in my sisters beautiful home in NC.  

2011 was a year of change for me.   It marked the closure of a 2 year journey through breast cancer and the ever daunting reconstruction.  A whole year where I had no hospitalizations or surgeries!   Renewed and rekindled relationships with cousins and their families, and a family rift that resulted in estrangement or at least distance between my brother and myself.  At that same time I took a very important stand for me with other family members, it is never easy to change family roles or walk through separations, etc.  A beautiful little black dog that came into my life by way of being lost and needing a home.  Covered in 40 or more ticks, fleas and in fight or flight mode, I invested many hours and a few weeks to gain her trust in order to catch her, she is now an important and happy member of my family.   People will say “I wonder where she came from” and I reply ” My little Lilly, aka Scooter was a gift from heaven”.   She has filled our lives with action, laughter and love.  Ever spoiled Brody unbelievably not only accepted her into the family but protects her.  It’s very endearing.  There was literally no transition time necessary with placement into her new abode.   It’s important to also mention the genorosity, donations and gifts from caring souls who wanted to contribute, and whose contribution made it possible for me to keep my Lilly Girl. 

As started the previous Spring before learning of Jim’s passing I jumped from one sugared lilypad to another filled with vegetables and protein, trimming down 75 lbs.   I like the new me.  I like the mobility, the benefits this has brought into my life.  I have been asked many times “What made you decide to do this?  What motivated you to do this?”  The question we all ask when it seems someone has done something we have yet to beable to accomplish or sustain.  If only we could find a universal answer that would work for everyone!  It was simply making a choice after being hospitalized for a serious infection months prior… Before I die I wanted to experience a healthy balance, firm foundation between Mental, Spiritual and Physical.  I have had one and two at the same time, but never all together.   I am happy to report that while I am not foolish enough to think my learning is over (ha), it feels very good to walk this earth, view the beauty of nature and humanity, to feel the intensities of feelings and emotions and yet know, I cannot save anyone, nor can I save the world, but I can do my best to help others, and I can be a healthy, vibrant participant in this world!  In the community in which I live this year has been filled with one tragedy after another.  I want to mention Tropical Storm Irene which blasted through and devastated much of the East Coast, my beloved Vermont affected severely.   The outpouring of help between neighbors, strangers, emergency services (dare I say government?) renewed my faith in humanity.   These are the types of people that I try to surround myself with and do.  I am blessed with many good friends who have picked me up or held onto me through the turmultuous storms.  I am very blessed.  

Work and business changed.  A decision to return to LoewCornell brush company has proven to be a good decision. I am branching out into the West Coast, having taught in Houston this year, Seattle last year and next.  And at the moment I stand in the winds or more changes and decisions to be made as I contemplate, observe and feel the affects of our countries poor economy.  Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions in order to survive or live our life in a manner in which I desire to….key words here are peace and serenity.

Deaths, births, an ever evolving screenplay of Life continues to play .  Like everyone else, the necessary and sometimes constant shifting to find balance and most importantly acceptance, with all the changes.  

This has been a good year, an empowering year filled with challenges and growth.  I smile as I write this and acknowledgement gratitude for the health of my family, the presence still of my parents and immediate family, good friends who have had their own challenges.   The secret to survival, I have found, is to open up your hands not only for holding anothers but also, reaching out.   It is okay to ask for help, it is in fact a strong person who can put ego and pride aside and humble themselves.  In doing so, however, comes beautiful gifts.

Here is to 2011, to all of us still standing, those who have passed this year, to change, challenges, growth, joy and a brand new year to start anew……. Welcome 2012 and to all, wishes for a healthy, humorous, joy filled, quality filled New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Hugz

Hard choices

Life can dish out some hard choices.  One thing I’ve learned in my life’s time is… if nothing changes, nothing changes.

It has occurred to me that I work very hard for very little.  It has also occurred to me as I scramble to figure out how to pay for internet, thus phone (that has been disconnected), an old car that I’m upside down in that needs to be repossessed… I can’t do this much longer.    While this stress has and still does play havoc in my life, it does not have the power it once did.   Cancer brought to me some perspective on what is and is not important.   Years of living with alcoholism kept my body in a constant state of fight/flight, causing not only ill health mentally, but also physically….This just ain’t working.  Years of struggling to make ends meet, I’ve been ready to throw in the towel so many times…  In reading some passages or quotations of highly intelligent, successful people, I have come to the conclusion that I am never going to get ahead, in fact, I doubt I’d make it through winter in Vermont this year unless I make some very hard choices, thus changes.

Doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results only rears the same problem reflecting back at you in the mirror, over and over again.   Something has to change.  I will be making some necessary changes once again, or in continuation of what I have been doing for the past year.   My life is going to change drastically, but I’m an optimist…maybe, just maybe it will be better?    I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Some days things just come together and you realize why things worked out the way they did (or didn’t)… these challenges, these choices too, bear much purpose.    I believe this.  I am being guided to a new chapter in my life…

Playing it safe has always appealed to me, but really never worked for me.    I am my happiest when I am learning, growing, evolving.    I do not conform well to what others think I should be doing, though I may value their input or suggestions.   I do not live a typical or traditional  lifestyle.  By virtue of who I am and what I have needed to do to survive,  this living by “the seat of my pants” is very old.    There is no salvation in “what could have been”, it is only in hard work, decisions and more work.   There is no Prince picking me up on a white horse and carrying me off to his castle, nor am I looking to seek respite in the arms of anyone for security…only love.

It also occurred to me today that in my lifes time I have taken risks in relationships.  Relationships that have ended painfully.  It is time I take risks for the betterment of my future, my life.   The simple fact is, I’m not making it financially, I haven’t been for some time.   I can sit and dwell in a cocktail of self pity, or I can take action, take risks, and make changes….  I would rather look at my options, take responsibility for my life by making these difficult decisions and changes before they are no longer my choice.

Stay tuned… and if you wouldn’t mind “say a little prayer for me!” as I work through the decisions that need to be made….  My goal is Peace, peace, peace…. living my life responsibly, honestly…serenely….   I can do this… I know I can do this, I just have to keep my eyes focused in the direction I am guided (sometimes simply by lack of choices or options), but taking one step at a time… the same way I got through my journey with breast cancer and other difficult painful times…

I will close my eyes tonight, lay my head on the pillow and whisper over and over “I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…”   and so can you!

 

In the land of “Yall”

Operating on 3 hours of sleep, I was up and at them early
this morning with the help of my nephew and his girlfriend.  Remember when air travel was so much
easier?  Oh well…

No longer do I have the menagerie of feelings that came from
the change in plans, thus leaving my pooches home for the holiday.  We do what we have to do, and given a few
hours of juggling the many feelings and emotions that go with change, I am cool
with it all.  I am looking forward to
seeing my sister, though wishing it were better times, but any time with loved
ones is a good time.  All have the
potential to make wonderful lasting memories.
Let me not jump ahead but stay in the moment…I am excited to be hours
away from spending time with her, seeing her family and friends again and
meeting my great niece Maddy, and her brand new little brother Paxton.

My sister just texted that she hasn’t seen her doctor yet
today, but there is a chance she’ll be coming home today!  This would be nice.  She also said she is praying for non hospital
food, if she has to spend another night!
I told her I would be making her nice healthy breakfasts, lunches… but
as for dinner it would be dog food!

Silly thoughts about facebook and “checking in” locations
through my cell phone.   As if anyone
really gives a turd about it!  But it
feels good to report and think I’m important, although not quite as important
as those people who cut you off, step in front of you, get in your way
unwittingly aware of your existence… My nephew calls these people
“presidents”.  They think they are the
most important person in the world!

My carry on bag weighs about 35 lbs.  The bottom of the borrowed duffle bag is
packed with beads…semi precious stones, crystals , laptop, meds.  We had to juggle things around this morning
so as not to get an extra baggage fee.
My suitcase weighed in at 49.5 lbs!
I would really love to go grab a salad or something to eat (You know,
pay $5 for a soda and $12 for yesterdays salad) but I do not have the strength
to lift and carry my carry on that far!
What a wuss!   I’ll be shipping
home some things as I don’t need another rotator cuff surgery.  Speaking of surgery, I’ve decided to put off
the surgery scheduled for Jan 4th on my hand for 2 weeks.   It will work better for me and I can take
the two week recovery period while waiting for classes to start back up in
February.

There is a gentleman sitting across from me who has what
looks like a chicken ceasar wrap.   I’ve
been sizing him up…Can I take him out and grab the samwich?  I’m not the heavyweight that I once was…I’m
still strong though!  Just don’t have the
ability to anchor him disabled with my weight!

I’m craving sliced apples .
You know how they look like smiley mouths?  I love that..it always makes me smile.  I suppose, of course, if you are “the glass
is half empty” sort of person you could turn it upside down and make a frown…
this is the first time I’ve thought of that!
Are the voices in my head bothering you?    It’s okay, I can be rather annoying at
times…They bother me at times!

Next stop..Charlotte, NC and then onward to Winston Salem to
see my sister.  Did I tell you she’s the
bossy one?  Yah, the older one!   (lol)

Update:  I mustered up
the strength to lift that carryon again… bought a vanilla frozen yogurt with
granola.  Delicious!  I landed safely in NC and visited with my
sister for a couple of hours, had a nice dinner with my brother in law and now …..relaxation
time.  I’m here, I’m here… she’s doing
well…. Hopefully she’ll be coming home tomorrow.

Sweet sheeps Yall!

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