Have suitcase, will travel

This morning I was thinking about one of my travel adventures last year.  I arrived at the hotel, they did not have my reservation for that night, only the next day.  (Arrangements were supposed to be made by someone else, who was actually paying for my room).  Of course I had to pay for the room, and of course it was at a higher rate than quoted on the reservations… I was highly annoyed…  but after a long trip I just wanted to kick off my boots, take down my hair and relax.  “You will have to change rooms in the morning to accommodate the reservations that you already have in existence”.   If there is one thing I’ve learned in life… you cannot fix stupidity and when I’m tired to just shut my mouth. 

The next morning I set my alarm a half an hour earlier than planned to pack up my stuff, go to the front desk, change rooms before I went off to the convention center to start my day.  Now, when I travel to conventions I always carry with me a single inflatable bed.  Why?  Because many times we end up having someone who doesn’t have a room who wants to crash with us, or in the case of one of the companies I work with, there may be 3-4 of us women in the same room… I need my sleep, so I find it easier to inflate my single bed using this handy dandy battery operated pump that is rather loud, but it does the job in 3 minutes or less.   It runs on 4 D batteries, is quite awkward and heavy to carry so this was in my suitcase, the bed was still in my van.

Upon arriving down at the front desk and having to wait 15 minutes in line… (grrr) I was informed by a conscientious and intelligent representative that I did NOT have to change rooms, that  that just wouldn’t make sense nor would they want to inconvenience me…  I wish I could say that I was thrilled, but I was not.  I was again annoyed.   I HAD been inconvenienced since I walked into the hotel.   I head to the elevator, wheel my suitcase in, pushed it back against the wall, had another two bags slung over my shoulders including a very heavy laptop.  Now mind you, I had just had surgeries two months before, I was not supposed to be carrying or lifting anything heavy, overexerting, and needless to say, I was in pain from doing this.  But you do what you have to do.  Not a martyr, a single woman who travels, owns  a business and a home… you just do.

Just before the elevator was going up three men in fine business suits jumped in and stood in front of me, to the front of the elevator.  The elevator jerked a little before it started to go up.  Between that and I think my pushing the suitcase up against the back wall to the elevator, the pump had shifted and something was pressing on the on switch.    The frigan thing started to go off.   Suddenly from my suitcase was this very loud, muffled noise that the air shaft was up against at times so it sort of replicated a vibrating noise.  I stood there in horror.  Good grief.  

The three guys were trying to obscurelyand nonchalantly look to see what was going on.  The eyes that they were giving one another, raised eyebrows, smirks… I stood there feeling totally embarrassed.  Of course they were thinking that this was a pump to an inflatable bed…NOT!

I was the first to get off the elevator.  As I wheeled my luggage out of the elevator the noise became even more interesting.  By this time the three of them had major grins on their faces.  After I was fully off, I stopped looked straight at them and said “And it’s REALLY big too!”  One’s mouth literally dropped open, I will never forget his shock, another’s eyes widened in surprise, I do not remember the third, but as the elevator doors closed and I went back to my room which was fortunately very close to the elevator, I was able to sit for a few minutes and have a really good laugh.

Time for a support group

Clarity…

It really isn’t about how big my breasts aren’t… it is that the difference in the size of my breasts now to what they were prior to cancer surgery is a constant reminder that I HAD cancer.  I do not need to go thru additional risks and surgeries to increase the size of my foobs (fake  boobs), I need to get to a cancer support group.

It slows time; it creates fear; it causes intense self-examination.

It can be isolating, and it always is life-altering,

But the journey is easier in the company of others who truly understand.

A new day

Today I feel a little better… I have been working on a Santa window… and the good news is his nose DOESN’T look like male genitalia…. for all of you who paint with me regularly… you understand…. perhaps its because I have forgotten what it looks like?  rolling eyes.

Thanks for the well wishes & prayers… This too shall pass.   Having Tomato soup with chunks of cheddah for dinnah.. and what else? grilled cheese….

What is is…. An emotional day

Sometimes as hard as you try to accept things as they are, you just aren’t ready.  Sometimes as grateful as you are for things, the disappointment that you feel inside is hard to hide from others.  You put a smile on your face, you show grace on the outside but inside the tears are streaming down  your face and you want to run and hide, bury your face in a pillow, a blanket and let it all out.  This is where I am today.

I need to accept where I am now.  I need to accept that my body is the way it is, and this is the size that I am going to be.   The set up, the disappointment, the pain that is coming out of me right now is immense.  And i must admit, this is selfishly after I saw a woman who lost an arm to cancer.  Who am I to complain?  But the truth is, I have lost much too.  I have lost more than my breasts, I have lost my sister, lost friends, lost sexual sensations, lost self image, lost my shape, lost my grandparents, I have lost much to cancer.  Today’s visit just pushes the dagger in a bit deeper ever reminding me of its power… it’s ability to destroy.   Since my own journey started with this last March I have not had too many tear filled days, I have not felt sorry for myself too much, I have forged ahead and did what needed to be done.  Today is a tear filled day.  Today I am feeling sorry for myself.  Today tears are falling consecutively down my cheeks.  Today more than anything I know I need to accept, but I am not yet there so today I will allow myself these tears, I will remind myself that it is okay to feel this way, I do not have to be “up” every day.  Perhaps by giving myself this day of sorrow tomorrow’s dawn will come bearing the gift of acceptance…

Crystal Balls & fortune telling

I always thought that I would like to know what my future holds. Visits to psychics, daily reading of horoscopes were “clues”.  As I aged (and my waist grew wider and boobs grew longer…  I became grateful for NOT knowing what was going to happen in my life.    If I were told that some of the more tragic things were going to happen in my life  why would I have wanted to go on?  What would have given me the courage, the strength to keep walking even through what at the time seemed monumental challenges but after experiencing the above named, quickly became minuet?.  Sure if we were told only the GOOD that were to come to us in our lives we could hold onto that, but even that would grow tiresome, and would not seem so special when it finally arrived.

Occasionally I still read my horoscope, but I do not live by it.  I read it more for entertainment.  I have found that people do fit within their astrological signs and birthdates and I find that interesting, and if I choose to go to a psychic it is typically a medium that can and will translate information between this world and that to those who have passed on to another.   But I have found that if I meditate, if I pray, and if I just keep doing the next right thing, all that I am supposed to know, to hear, comes to me and I need not assistance with any of this.  I feel very fortunate here.  Insane?  perhaps.

There is much mystery is not knowing what tomorrow holds.  My girlfriend reminds me that while I can sometimes struggle with the “waiting for the shoe to drop” syndrome, good things can be just around the corner too.  A day of sunshine may perhaps bring much more joy and optimism than a day of rain but I still have the choice of whether I choose to allow my thinking to go there.

“When you are dealing with something that cannot be changed you have choices.  You can choose to struggle, battle and cling, remain stuck – stuck in an unfavorable situation with negative feelings, OR you can choose to go with the flow… You can choose to ACCEPT.”  -unknown… as I stole this from my gf pz’s fb lol

No crystal ball, horoscope, psychic or fortune teller can change that which cannot be changed, or even you.  No one can change your thinking but YOU.   There is no magic pill, no answer to the puzzle left no matter how many times we jump on that hampsters wheel in our heads… sometimes it is just simply about… acceptance.

Today I am struggling with accepting something about someone that I just do not want to.   I am working hard to stay in my reality and be true to myself and in turn be respectful of another persons wishes.

“This, too, shall pass…”  In the meantime, I think I’m going to go find some chocolate!

Afraid to dive….

July 27th will mark one year since my bilateral mastectomies.  I am still going thru reconstruction.  I have taken a couple months off all of it to sort of “adjust” and determine how I really feel about the “new me” before continuing onto revisions and nipple reconstruction, and also allow myself emotional healing time.  Taking this time was a good choice for me.

I am still not thrilled with the new me.  I have determined that I am an “a” cup.  Starting out a C, promised a D, thought to be a B, and now an “A”… Oh well.  Worse things in life could happen.  I have yet to decide whether I want to do anything about this or not.  One day I think I do, then the next I just don’t know nor do I care.

I went swimming over my vacation.  This was the second time I wore a bathing suit since my surgeries.  I was self conscious, and asked my girlfriend on a couple occasions “Do I look okay?”  She said “Donna, I swear to you, no one would ever know looking at you that you ever had a double mastectomy”.   So, take a look at my pic, what do you think?    giggling, YAH RIGHT!   Though not my desired size, my bathing suit top fits over my foobs (fake boobs) and there is a bit of shape there, the scars are hidden, one would just think I’m not large breasted.   So much gratitude for not being disfigured…

 Okay, but standing on the dock, everyone was diving off into the refreshing water to escape the heat and humidity.   I was getting ready to do so when fear came over me.  I couldn’t do it.  Now I have always been a little gun shy of diving if I haven’t in a while, and it has been a long time since I have dived, so I had this going on   but alongside of this was this need to protect my chest.   Thoughts of post surgery came back where I slept with a folded blanket on my chest.  I needed weight, something on it for protection.  Trust me when I say that I felt “weight and pressure on it” without the blanket, but there was a genuine need to always have something there when I was sitting of lying down.  All these memories and feelings came back, and I felt my hand on the center of my chest.  My heart started to pound faster.  I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t dive.  Fear of how it would feel with the implants, and fear of pain returning was too overwhelming.   On and on my head went about 100 mph in about 30 seconds or less.   Would it hurt?  Would they displace?  Finally I just walked over to the ladder and climbed down into the water.  There would be no diving for me on this trip.  And I have a feeling that even if I had discussed these fears with my plastic surgeon and oncologist prior to my vacation, there would still be no diving.  

We had several styrofoam “noodles” with us.  These are those 3 or 4 foot devices that allow you to float in the water.  Well, I enjoyed this very much.  At one point I had two, and I placed one under my back/arms, fully expanded my arms to my sides allowing my chest to expand and stretch while the other was under my knees.   I floated on my back for several minutes.  This felt WONDERFUL!  I still experience a lot of tightness in my chest.  Proper posture is important now more than ever, but even with that there are times the tightness becomes unbearable.  So floating in this manner and allowing my chest muscle to fully expand and relax felt absolutely heavenly. 

There was another advantage to swimming that I found too.  After emerging from the water my implants maintained the temperature of the water for at least an hour, so they worked like air conditioners! lol.  I found that quite comical but equally as comforting!  

I am finding that I really LIKE not having as really nice to not have to wear a bra!  It is so nice not to have that discomfort or sweat from one.  That alone has me reconsidering revising my size.   But speaking of bras, I have a somewhat funny story for you!   My plastic surgeon asked me to buy a bra and bring it with me on my next visit (next week), so I did just that.  Well, I ordered a B cup, which as I said earlier, I’ve since learned is too big!).. Anyway, it is padded.  As I was walking into the bathroom to look in the mirror it reminded me of my 8th grade graduation.  My mother had made me a gunne sack gown and I was fairly flat chested.  She brought me to good ole JCPenneys and bought me a padded bra.  I hated the thing, I barely liked the soft cupped ones I wore daily.  Well she insisted I try it on with my gown.  After much coaxing, I did.  As I walked out into the kitchen I walked into the door casing (Yes, I am a klutz) and the bra dented in… AND IT STAYED IN!  I whipped that bra off, threw it in the corner and refused to wear it!   Now I think about it and I laugh.  So anytime I see a padded bra, I think of this.

I have volunteered to design and paint a bra to be auctioned off at Heart of Ohio Tole & Decorative Painting, proceeds of which will go to Breast Cancer Research.  I can’t tell you what I have designed in my head, but when it is complete I will post a picture…. It’s a 38D, black! lol.

For all of you still forced to wear bras in this horrible heat and humidity…. my sympathy…..

Picket Fences

I was one who had the traditional fairy tale with the white picket fence.   A handsome husband, cottage style home a couple kids, happy home, so much love, flower gardens, stability, security and more.     The handsome husbands came and went, the cottage style home, well… I thought I had to have a husband in order to have a home, the day that I closed on my house and bought out my ex husband was one of the proudest days of my life.   I still own that home, it is not my dream home by any means, but it is a place that I have lived for over 20 years, and have matured much in.   It seems to always need work, but I love my home.  The old adage “There is no place like home” is so true for me.

 I have learned that the borders of the picket fence dreams can create shadows that actually keep you from getting what your heart desires.  The shadows keep the very light you need from coming in, blanketing darkness and boundaries set around the very ground you want to be welcoming.   The fairy tales, the thoughts, the dreams all carry with them expectations that for me were a set up for disaster, for disappointment, for failure.  They were unrealistic, based on a sense of unreality so how could they possibly live and grow?

The good news here is that, there are many more fences available than just the perfect picket fence!   Made out of materials that may be grown in your own back yard, sowed and clipped with your own hands, the materials though different are nonetheless beautiful and depicts a new story.  A story of hard work, devotion, imperfection, and perseverence, a story of commitment, which ultimately ends up with an end result unique to your personality, your own strengths, weaknesses, your own life, not a preconceived tale filled with expectations based on anothers standards.   You, me, we all have the ability to create our own fences, boundaries.  What will yours be?  Will they be a show piece?  A statement?  Will they be artfully crafted?  Will they depict the perfect home?  Will they create a wall of privacy or an archway for flowers?   Will the substance be grown in your yard or bought from a blacksmith?   The choice is all yours, the message you want to dispense to the world is up to you as well.  For me, I’m done with the picket fences, the idealist picture of perfection.  It isn’t what I wanted in the first place, but I DID want the security, the stability that I believed came with it.   I have since learned that there is no stability in the picket fence, nor even the marriage that may have brought the home or fence into your life.  It’s important that the security be within yourself.  That you feel whole, good with yourself, and with God, and the rest will all fall into place.

May you find security within your higher power (God), may you find happiness within yourself, and may your days be filled with time and creativity to design and ability to lay out your own… in your own fibers…

Most importantly, enjoy!

Pigtails are for grownups too!

Who says 48 year old’s can’t wear pigtails?   Okay, so I won’t be putting on the brown bikini  made of hankerchiefs that my mom made me and that I wore all summer as a kid…. I’d have to hand out too many barf bags… but pigtails?? Who cares?  I figure my breasts are now about the size they were when I used to wear pigtails…. so why not????   When was the last time you wore pigtails?  Or put your hair up in a bunch of rubber bands?  My girlfriend and I did this last week.    Dare I post the pic? hmmm

When was the last time you did something fun?  Silly?  Something that made you chuckle and feel childlike… not caring what anyone thought?

I can become so wrapped up in my troubles, in my responsibilities that I forget to allow myself to be silly…  Today I allowed myself to be silly…  I hope you do too!

4th of July, 3rd Birthday, 60th Wedding Anniversary…and a reunion of best friends….

On July 4th I traveled to Missouri to spend a week with my best friend and her family on their summer vacation.  I had not seen her or her family in almost a year and a half since the last vacation we were on.  Much has happened in our lives  since then.  A year and a half has been too long, but will all that has transpired it has been quick, too.  If that makes any sense at all.   It was a wonderful time for me.

Not only did we celebrate Independence Day but my girlfriends granddaughter turns 3 tomorrow, so we had a party for Hannah on Wednesday evening.  Her mom made her a cake and Hannah decorated it.  It was cute and a varietal of flavors! lol.  Thursday night we celebrated my girlfriend’s parents 60th wedding anniversary.  It makes me smile.  They are such nice people, really.   I love them both, truly I love all her family, they are wonderful.  Lunch & dinners were eaten together, around a table,which was such a delight for me. It brought many memories of my childhood, upbringing.  Coming from a large family, and at least one or two of us always dragging someone home for dinner, our lunch or dinner table was always filled.  It was nice.   I thoroughly enjoyed this part of the vacation.  Home cooked meals everyday which I didn’t partake in, but I offered to help, and did assist in clean up.  Good food, good company, good laughs.  It was great.

My girlfriend and I got to room together in this luxurious suite.  (I am of course kidding) with twin beds.   We did our usual gabbing at night, and laughter… it was wonderful.  Although the first 3 nights she fell off to sleep, snoring…. as I was talking to her.. hmmmm was she faking to just try to get me to shut up???  dunno.

We boated, swam, floated, some fished, tubed, wake boarded, skiied, walked, relaxed.. I read the book “The Shack” which my friend Judy gave me last July…  We visited Silver Dollar City (amusement park)… not my favorite part of the week but I went for Hannah, and she had a blast!  Her smiles and laughter were worth it all.

It is good to be home, as I’m tired and ready to sleep in my own bed… but I am grateful for this vacation, for being given this opportunity, for being part of their “extended” family…. it’s a great place to be!

I must close my eyes now and rest….  God speed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Goodbye….

It is impossible and too personal to share all that has been happening in the past few weeks.  I will say that that I am amazed once again at the order in which things happen, and reminded that there is order and timing to all, whether we understand, accept or not.  I am not a religious person but I am a spiritual person.  I have been shown on numerous occasions that this realm in which we live is not all there is.  I do not understand it, I have yet to fully explore it, but I must say, when I let go of my own will, when I accept reality for what it is, and just accept and open my arms to what is, and open my heart to what I have been shown time and time again, I need not be afraid, I need not feel despair.  Everything is right as it is supposed to be, and I am right where I am supposed to be.  All I have to do is accept, and show up.

This morning i had this seemingly real dream.  In this dream I was able to say what I needed to say, see what I needed to see, feel what I needed to feel.  I awoke for the first time in weeks knowing… it was time to say goodbye.  It was time to release this hold, this anguish, this pain, it was time to let go of Jim.

I went and bought a helium balloon personal in nature to the two of us, and Brody and I went to the field that Jim loved and that we frequented often.  The field where he and our dog Molly would go and fly his radio controlled gliders and airplanes.  The field where we would sometimes meet for lunch, or bag a dinner so he could catch a “thermal” (smiles).   I stood in the very spot where we stood many times, thanked him for  the many years of memories, all the things he taught me, gave to me, brought into my life.  I thanked him for Brody, for our girls (my cats), for the many ways he enriched and improved my life, the culture, the laughter, the healing he brought into my life, the ways in which he brought joy to me.  I told him that I would never forget him, that I would always love him, and wanted him to fly… catch a thermal….   and I released the balloon.

Brody and I sat on the ground and watched until the balloon was no longer visible.  I said a prayer, wiped my tears, smiled, and came home.

I am a better person for having met him, having loved him,having been loved by him, having had him in my life for all those years.  I am grateful for my time with him, my memories, and the capacity in which I was and am able to love this person.  Even the difficult times taught me lessons that are valuable in my life today.   His death while it seems senseless and cruel, I can not continue to question, it changes nothing.  But I do know that if I only know one thing that has come out of it it is that I have changed, and I am making better choices for myself.  And yet, I am only one pebble on one small beach in the overall scheme of things.  I will probably never know the reasons or how many lives he touched.   I can only know the impact he has had on my life and over time it continues to unveil itself.

Catch a thermal Jim… catch a thermal.   I will always love you.

I went to a birthday party for a friend this evening.  Afterwards while watering my plants I was listening to the birds and was astounded at how much some of my plants had grown.  Life goes on…. life goes on…

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  • This blog is a mix of my creative thoughts, processes, and artistic experiences. Alongside of this I am sharing my experience, strengths, hopes on my journey through breast cancer and reconstruction and the sadder parts of my life… loss. Filled with humor, hope, and whatever other ingredient I throw in for taste!